It is always
important to ensure your visual aids are
The Area Dean insisted on seeing the church
The Area Dean came
to our church on one of his regular visits, and asked to see the church
terrier. "Where is the church terrier?" he kept saying, until you could almost
see this cartoon in thinks bubbles above the heads of the wardens and church
council. Eventually it transpired that a terrier is not only a small dog but
also a list of everything the church owns (from the Old French, don't you
Once that was cleared up we knew what he was talking about and,
having anticipated the question, we showed him a list of all the pans in the
kitchen and the chairs in the vestry and the poster paints in the Sunday school
rooms. But he was only interested in the communion vessels, the more tatty
examples of which were taken out of the safe to show him and then put back
until he returned five years later.
The churchwardens had realised that all the heat was in the
roof, and all the people were at ground level.
One cold day, when
we had all been freezing in church, I climbed a ladder to replace a light bulb
and it was really warm up there.
Note that the female members of this
church all wear trousers.
Down in the basement, the church wardens hid a guilty
We had a heating
system that used to burn vast quantities of gas and produce small amounts of
heat through one big grille in the corner of the building and a second behind
the communion table. In cold weather the eucharistic prayers became noticeably
Then the church wardens did huge amounts of research into better
church heating systems, and eventually a mighty blower was installed that made
a noise like a jumbo jet taking off but could warm up the building in a matter
of minutes. After all their work they just said "hmph" when they saw this
Diocese did not approve of the expansion plans.
The Church of
England works hard to maintain architectural standards, and told us we could
not use plastic gutters on an unlisted building but would be obliged to buy
cast iron at a frighteningly large cost.
notice board had been transformed since the man from the Odeon had joined the
If you have a lot of
time on your hands you might have read the Zeptos page and discovered that they appeared
because I was wondering how people with unusual jobs would react to Christian
stuff. This was the only other attempt. I quite liked the way that Songs of
Songs has a PG certificate.
When church wardens dream...
church? Not surprising. Warm church? Not beyond the realms of possibility.
Maintenance all up to date? I could believe that. Lots of money? I can imagine
that happening. PCC meeting finishing early? Ridiculous.
in the same vein...
Desert island church by John Parker. Contact me
via the about page.